Siena's Set Back

Just so that I can remember this... not like I will forget. This morning when I called the hospital to see how Siena's night went Emmerald, one of her main nurses, was so excited to tell me that they had taken Siena's feed tube out because she has had all bottle feeds for 48 hours. I was over the moon because that was really the last big step before coming home. I knew that we still needed to get her saturations right but that it wouldnt be long until that was sorted. And I will be honest I was getting really excited. Well this afternoon when we got to hospital I walked into Siena's room and she had a feed tube in. I was kind of like Ummm whats up and the nurse gave me a really sad look and said lets wait until your husband gets in here, Lee was still washing his hands. See that is never a good sign. So while we were in the hall, I was kind of rushing Lee, Emmerald came up to us and explained how they had to stop demand feeding Siena, She had to go back on a feed tube and she needs to have some blood tests. I was kind of like what? A couple of hours ago she was doing great and now she is not. Anyway apparently she had some really bad desats and needed to have Oxygen in order to get her blood oxygen levels back to where they should be. On top of that she wasnt just desating with her feeds but she was doing it all the time. Also she stopped taking the amount of milk she was supposed to be taking.

So now my hopes of her coming home mid part of this week are crashed. But I remember all to well our set backs with Spencer. This is nothing compared to the many nights we got calls saying how he wasnt going to make it until morning and the time his lungs collapsed. I will admit that I was crying this afternoon. Mostly because I am ready for this to all be over. It has been almost 20 weeks since my waters first broke and now we are all ready to be a proper family again without having to spend most our time at the hospital. I am sad. I know it wont be long now even with this set back but I think a combination of tiredness and stress of running back and forth to hospital has made me extremly emotional. Plus I have to admit that today I just want my mommy. Sometime living here so far away is so difficult. I just want my mom and my sisters to be here with me. I want to be able to have a good cry on my moms shoulder because to be honest these last 16 weeks have been hard. Im not looking for sympothy I am just writing down my feelings so in three years time when I think I want another baby I can look back here and remember how difficult it is for me to have a baby. Plus maybe it is a good thing for my girls to know that I am a normal woman. I have normal feelings and if they ever feel a bit low when they have children they can know it is normal. Anyway Im off time to express again and I want to call on Siena's blood and get the results to see if she does have an infection. I pray she doesnt because I dont want her to have an IV again. She hates it and it is so painful for her to have it put in. Oh how I miss my little princess when I am not with her. And just as in previous posts I just long to hold her, to smell her, to have her in my arms and to kiss every little finger and every little toe like a mother should do.