Waters Broke Day 5

I had a bit of cramping through the night which has gone now and I have felt the baby move. So that is a good sign. But I am scared. I am scaared of what is going to happen over the next few weeks. And though I have faith in our Heavenly Fathers plan I still cant fathom what we might have to do if I cant keep hold of our child for a few more weeks. I found this poem:

I thought of you,
and closed my eyes,
and prayed to God today
I asked ‘What makes a mother?”
and I know I heard him say
‘A mother has a baby’ this we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother, when your baby’s not with you?
‘Yes you can,’ he replied with confidence in his voice
‘I give many women babies. When they leave, is not there choice.’
‘Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day, and some I send to fill your womb, but there’s no need to stay.’
I just don’t understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and than I saw the tear.
‘I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say…
We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quick,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much.
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillows where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
and whisper in her ear,
mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.
‘So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home,
and this is where there stay. And on the day that you come home, they’ll be at the gates for you.’
So now you see what makes a mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

I know whatever the outcome it is the Lords will. But I am really praying that the Lords will and my will are one in the same. I already love this child so much. I am so grateful for the two beautiful children I have and dont want to seem selfish or to be asking to much to be able to raise this child either.

Sorry if this is not the Happy kind of post you were looking for but right now I really just want to put how I am feeling and when this child is much older and wonders how much I love him or her I hope that they might be able to look back on this post and know that from before they were ever born I loved them more than any words could express. I hope that now this baby's spirit can feel my love for it.

7:54 PM: I cant stop crying today. People keep telling us to prepare for the worst and explaining what the worst is. I am preparing for the worst but I am still hoping for the very best. Lee keeps saying he thinks there is a miracle waiting to happen and he keeps saying we need to be thinking of names to distract us. He keeps saying we need a good strong name for a good strong baby. Im going in the morning to see the consultant. I guess we will wait and see what he says. I am so grateful for Lee's strength. He is my rock I dont know how he does it. He wrote a blog post if anyone wants to read it you can Its called Children and Pregnancy